Why is it so important for couples to talk about money?

I’ve talked to over 3,000 couples and realized we’re raised to only talk about money when it’s stressful. We fight. We saw money cause divorces. Money fights are the #1 predictors of divorce. Money is a tool and we need it to live. If we can use it in it’s proper context, it takes the heat out.

What are the 5 conversations every couple must have about money?

We need to talk about money in the same way we talk about anything else. You have to be real to get rich. 

1. What’s coming in, what’s going out? Where are we now?

If we don’t get to that place, we make assumptions. If we have the real starting place, we can have clarity.

2. Let’s get clear about our goals and expectations.

Let’s talk about how we both handle money. For example one partner might plan on retiring in two years, and the other plans to start a new business. Find out if there’s a middle ground where it can work. Find out, “Where do you want to go?”

3. Behavior. Talk about the roles you each play in your financial life.

One person is usually better at running the books. The other is better at big picture goals. One person should not run everything. Both should know what is going on. Schedule talks about money monthly. Make it a date night. 30-minutes to talk through goals. 

4. Risk transfer.

Make sure insurances are covered. Talk about critical illness. Protect your assets. Long-term care in place? 

5. Estate planning.

Everyone needs a will, a financial power of attorney, a health care directive. What happens to blended families? Spell it out. 

What’s your number one secret to living your own rich life?

My rich life is when I found something that I cared about, my mission that was bigger than me, that I could measure every day…that helped move my mission forward. What lights me up is spending time going into middle and high schools and teaching financial literacy to those kids. My goal is to reach a million kids. 

I love Beau’s mission and his definition of a rich life, don’t you?

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My clients, readers, and listeners wrestle with many fears when it comes to dating and relationships. Let’s begin with fear of rejection. Can you give us some ideas as to how they can overcome their fear of rejection?

Fear of rejection, especially in midlife, is very real. We’ve probably had situations where we were rejected in our careers and relationships, and we know it hurts and want to protect ourselves. Therefore, the fear of rejection in dating feels very real.

Understand why you have that fear, and know it doesn’t have to rule your life. You can use other parts of your personality more proactively. Use your relationship building skills. Our fear is like a younger version of ourselves, like being rejected in the school yard. Your grownup self, which has pushed through difficult things, can get impatient and say, “Shut up. You’re keeping me from living the life I want!” Your younger self says, “See, even you don’t love me.” Say to younger self, “It’s okay, we’re not six-years-old anymore, and we know we can handle rejection.”

I believe that clutter and dating are related. How do you think people’s emotional relationship to their belongings and surroundings help or hinder their ability to find a loving relationship? 

I had a terrible issue with clutter. When I finally worked with an organizer who was tuned into the emotional part of clutter, she pointed out the connection to my fear of the past and of the future; what if I never achieved in the future? I also had a fear of not doing everything I intended to do. It was like a museum of good intentions, to the point where there was no space for living.

People who have the opposite issue where things need to be put in their place—there’s often an emotional issue of control. It’s all about our attachments. My clutter kept me from relating to people. My husband felt like he was stepping through a minefield! My ability to control my clutter opened up space for creativity, and for connecting with my husband and kids. 

“Love things that love you back.” —Mary Carlomagno, Order

You talk about the ‘Greek Chorus of Perpetual Doubt”, the voices in your head that sound a lot like your Chinese mother. Most of us have those gremlin or saboteur voices in our heads that keep us from love. Can you share a few ways for people to quiet those voices?

My Greek Chorus is composed of a few voices. It’s my mom who doesn’t want me to get hurt. I just say, “Thank you, Mom!” There’s my old phys. ed teacher who would always make fun of me. It’s the big bully voice that’s irrelevant. Then there are competitive voices of people who would like to see me fail.

Life is too short for old, vicarious fears. I think of the movie “Babe” with the little mice. Shrink the voices down. Or think of a yappy puppy who barks at everything. I tell the voices I don’t need them right now. It would be utterly exhausting to let these voices rule. Allow them to take a coffee break!

Think about having a cheerleading squad instead. In training for triathlons, the volunteers at the end of the race cheer the hardest. Have your own squad who say, “You got this, you’re doing your best, you’re awesome”. 

How does getting vulnerable and sharing your fears with a potential partner affect the relationship?

It takes so much energy to hide our fears. For so long, I was keeping the facade of the great student who do 110% of everything and get an A++. When you can show even one part of your vulnerability, it allows the other person to share their vulnerability with you.

For example, public speaking is an easy one to work on. In a few minutes, you can propose a toast. [In a relationship], you can reinforce one another and support each other. For a long time, mine was a fear of falling or being out of control, for example riding a bike well or skiing.

In the early years of marriage, I felt like a failure a lot of the time, especially when it came to sports. My takeaway was “I’m not good at that. It’s his thing.” It put a rift between us. I learned that it was my old story.

And in ten weeks, I went from not being able to bike around the block to riding the five boroughs! I love biking with him now, and it’s the perfect date. He now looks at me as someone different. I revealed something exciting about myself. 

“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare. It is because we do not dare that they are difficult.”  —Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I love Patty! Her book is a great read. It’s filled with humor and fantastic stories of real people who overcame fears. There are actionable tips to help you overcome your fears and live your best life.

You can find Patty’s book by clicking the link below.

Some Nerve: Lessons Learned While Becoming Brave

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What is your definition of a healthy relationship?

The key to a healthy relationship is in the intent. Ask yourself why you WANT a relationship, not NEED one in order to be happy or feel secure. Then commit to doing the work. Both people come together with the intent of sharing each other and nurture that space from a place of compassion. Not with the intent of getting something from that person. 

Also come in with the intent of learning. You’re there to learn about yourself and your gaps and you’re there to learn about him.

It’s also important to fully express exactly what you’re feeling to one another.

What is your opinion on love?

Love to me is about passion (I’m from Columbia!). I perceive love as intangible, unmeasurable, coming from my soul. Hollywood has diluted how we perceive love. I don’t think most people know what true love is. It’s the ability for me to love myself first. That means stop judging myself. Stop the internal dialogues. Stop seeking approval. Nourish your being, and evolve emotionally and reach a higher level of consciousness. 

True love is accepting who I am and going from there. I value myself, even if I’m a purple dog with five legs. We are who we are. Don’t try to become someone else. It takes courage to be authentic. Only after we love ourselves can we truly love someone else. We all have a unique fingerprint. 

What are some practical ways that people can start loving themselves more?

Journaling is helpful. If you’re behaving a certain way and something doesn’t feel right, study that. Journal about it. You can express yourself without fear. The next step is to share those feelings that you discover with a friend. Also, work with an existential therapist if you can, although it will take about a year.

Reading is also helpful. I like philosophy books and Tibetan Buddhist books. Philosophy helps me understand where my thoughts and fears come from.

What are some of the challenges you have experienced in dating or relationships?

Authenticity and self-awareness were my biggest challenges. Having the courage that if I truly want a loving relationship, act from there and be raw and authentic. In the past, I had not been engaged in the experience, asking as many questions as I could. 

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Author, Joe Rutland, transformed his life in midlife. It’s never too late!

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Joe Rutland is an author, writer, podcaster and journalist who transformed his life in midlife. He has spent 30-plus years in the communications industry. He’s a contributing writer for The Good Men Project. A native Texan, he’s also lived in Arizona.

Joe is passionate about supporting the emotional well-being of children, adults and parents in the cleft, craniofacial and facial difference community around the world.

I interviewed Joe on Last First Date Radio about his new book, Midpoint: a Sourcebook for Your Midlife Journey. In the highlights below, Joe shared powerful tips on how he overcame many of life’s challenges.

What events have played a role in your midlife transformation?

In midlife, I realized that life is worth living. It’s not a repetitive journey. There’s more to me at 50 than what I gave myself credit for. I’ve often short-changed myself. I didn’t realize that I had overcome a lot. I had made a worthwhile life.

In midlife, I chose to take a hard intentional look at what I was attracting into my life.

I was born with a unilateral cleft lip and palate and had many surgeries. I overcame emotional trauma. I survived a lot of crap. I made it through relatively sane, even though I’m still a work in progress.

I learned I’m a winner, not a loser. I’m a winner when it comes to having friends that care about me, to being empathetic. I’m a survivor and thriver, I’m creative. These things were there, but I didn’t have a realization and full appreciation of them. I learned through difficult situations, like having a flat tire in the middle of the night in Arizona and sleeping in the car, but still being able to hold my head up high. I know that I have value as a human being. 

I’m willing to take a risk, to be authentic and honest and vulnerable, even by doing this radio show. People thirst for authenticity and vulnerability. 

Do you believe that the type of transformation you went through can only happen later in life, or can it happen at any age?

I believe it can happen at any age. I personally believe you can be 19, 24, 36, or in your eighties, and go through a transformation in your life. Awakening, awareness, and aha moments happen at any stage in life.

What do you hope to gain from writing about and sharing your midlife transformation?

If you’re able to share your growth experience in a safe space, it makes it that much more tasty and beautiful. It sucks to do it in isolation!

I hope that people who read the book will put themselves in my stories and experiences, whatever the response will be.

I also hope it’s a springboard for people all over the world to have me speak with them about the process of transformation and work/life balance through transformation.

I hope people use the book as a reference guide to know they’re not alone. We are all not alone. We’re all connected together as people. 

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How can a woman get a man to want to change?

Part of what gets a man to change is to know he’s okay where he is. I call it being complete in the moment. Assure him he’s done the best he could with the information he had. Otherwise he’ll be stuck. He’ll wonder how to get it right so he can move forward. 

If you make a man guess, everyone loses. Men are the worst guessers. You’re better off telling him exactly what you want.

Start with the positive, then make your request. Instead of “Why do we never go dancing?”, say “I loved having dinner with you, and I’d love to go dancing, too.”

Start with appreciation, and it’s got to be sincere. 

What is the #1 barrier to having men “work on themselves”?

In every class I’ve ever taught, women want to know why they have to change, and men don’t do the work. Often times, women are looking for men to change the way you do. If they’re not doing what you do, they’re not doing anything.

Men work differently. They don’t act like a perfect women would. They’re not wired that way. First, understand that they are different. 

The masculine is results oriented. Feminine looks for emotional connection. When you realize that they won’t look like or act like you. Don’t criticize them for that.

You’ll have to ask your man what works best for him in ‘working on himself’. 

What is the biggest mistake women make that is keeping the MEN in their lives from seeking relationship guidance?

Complaining. If someone complains, you’re resent it but respond to the complaint. What you don’t understand is that men have four layers of protection against complaints. You think he should respond instantly because he would.

Instead of complaining, motivate a man through internal motivation. It has to meet the criteria: right time, right space in my life, etc.

Appreciate a man, and that gives him the fuel to take action. Set him up to win. A man can’t guess. Women might think it’s romantic if a man guesses what she wants. If he guesses right once in a while, your mind says, “See, he can read my mind. He’s been holding out on me.” 

If you lay it out clearly, what would make you happy, and set him up to win, you get what you want, he doesn’t have to guess, and the action takes place. 

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Why is talking through conflict important?

It comes down to the feeling of being connected, as communication is the bridge between conflict. Conflict creates a wall, and the bigger the wall, the harder it is to talk about it. People tend to suppress and it festers aon the inside.

Or they rage, and they’re not meeting their partner, but going off on tangents.

You want to connect with your partner.

Imagine a relationship is like a triangle: on one side you have one person, on the other side you have the other person, and on the third side, you have the relationship. When you argue using defensiveness and stonewalling, you are only attending to yourself [and ignoring the other two important parts of the triangle].  

When is the best time to talk about the hard things?

The best time is when emotions are not high, and you’re centered and grounded. [When you’re calm,] you won’t be in the fight or flight response. 

What are some strategies for being in the right mindset for the conversation?

Anger is all about action and can be helpful to get you to say something, especially if you tend to swallow your words. 

It’s important to be aware within yourself to step up and speak honestly with care and respect.

To get into the right mindset, get connected with yourself and get present. Find a way that works for you that you can have on tap. I’m a deep breather, and I need to take a few deep breaths and give it a bit of space.

After the breath, I have the quality of wanting the boundary and the protection, but I’ve lost my sharp tongue for it!

Another way is to get into your body and feel grounded, feeling into your hands. 

You can also [calm] yourself down by saying, “I’ve got this.”

Practice getting calm before you get to that crazy place, because you won’t have these techniques on tap when you are triggered. 

You want to take the edge off, but still have the impetus to connect.

You want to own your stuff and not take on their stuff. This makes conflict a whole different game. They are your feelings and no one else can make you feel anything. 

What are some tips for communicating when there is conflict?

Before you say anything, go in with the mindset that ‘I want to listen and I want to be listened to’. That builds trust in the relationship. In that listening space, listen with the energy of curiosity. You want to be able to hear what they say without the inner critic. Listen like a sponge. “Wow, so that’s what’s going on for you!”

Use “I” statements, and own how you feel. [Then, tell your partner] what it is that you’re hearing. If you heard it wrong, you’re opening up the conversation to make sure you’ve got it right.

Until someone feels heard, they will be less willing to hear you. 

When you’re talking, do it with the energy of wanting to be honest and compassionate and caring. Speak about what’s alive for you and share a bit of your inner world. That is a gift.

The third part is that these conversations are sacred. Many times, after the conversation, it’s forgotten. Or it’s used as ammunition. These conversations must be honored. Make an effort to remember the conversation and keep the love and respect.

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Photo: Flickr/Dave McKeague

What are the seven insecurities about men you discovered in your research?

1. Negative thoughts: Thoughts that develop in your childhood that are incorrect ways to respond. You need to address the issues and deal with them.
2. Lack of open-mindedness: Stems from negative thinking. You’re not willing to listen or embrace your partner’s way of thinking. You’re acting on pride, and it’s a form of control.
3. Manhood: Men learn behaviors and they become values/beliefs, and cause them to respond in a specific way in a relationship. They will adapt, run, or behave in the way they’re used to behaving.
4. Pride: I’m going to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Men feel they are supposed to behave a certain way because of their mental, values, beliefs, culture. 
5. Low self-esteem: Any insecurity that rears its ugly head. Often based on how you were raised. You don’t value yourself. 
6. Making less than your partner: There’s a lot of role-shifting today where men are home and women are out making the money. This can create an identity crisis. 
7. Performance issues: Most of these occur with men over 50. That can happen with men and women as hormones change. It can affect manhood as well. 

What causes those insecurities?

Our environment influences so much. You learn thoughts and interpret them according to your environment: how your mother and father treated you, your culture, whether you had two loving parents, etc.

Around age 12, your beliefs and values are interpreted and you respond the way you’ve learned according to your background.

What happened to your husband that influenced his relationships?

He grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, very poor, his father wasn’t around, and his mother was abusive—physically and mentally. He was still a happy child.

As a teen, his mom tried to control his behavior. She used mental and physical abuse, and he internalized that into anger. He began to have all kinds of problems in relationships. He had fought for respect to defend himself. His relationships began to fail, and he received feedback from people. He didn’t believe it at first. And after a few failed, he realized there must be truth in what people were saying.

After his awareness, he realized he had to do something. He began to change. It began with his thinking. He began to think about the course of his life, and built healthier relationships. It took time, and it was well into his late thirties and forties that he began to see the results of his changes.

Our relationship is wonderful now. We have learned to communicate and listen and be respectful and open-minded.

What strategies would you suggest to help men overcome these insecurities?

Recognize that you have problems. Build trust so you can communicate openly, especially your insecurities and your feelings. Brainstorm together about solutions and strategy planning to resolve the issues.

In your book, you mention the importance of healthy communication. Can you share one of your favorite communication tools?

Deescalation. Calm discussions. Best not to talk when heated. Don’t accuse or blame. Don’t point fingers or bring up the past. 

What’s your most important idea to impart to our audience about having a successful relationship?

Communicate with your partner about anything, even your insecurities. Discuss it calmly, effectively, and openly.

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Turning Conflict Into Connection Through Conscious Love

What does Conscious Love Mean to You?

Conscious love is really about living and loving from a place of choice. It’s about self-awareness, empowered actions that come from a place dedicated to pure love.

We all grow up in our environments and learn from our experiences. We end in unconscious relationships. I hep people to look at the patterns that they keep creating from an unconscious place. We meet our needs in ineffective ways. We cause damage to ourselves and others.

Is it really possible to turn conflict into connection?

Conflicts are opportunities to learn and grow within ourselves and within the relationship.

When we can hold that position, we’re able to stay more open to unconditional love.

1. You have to have your own self-awareness. When there is conflict it’s that my needs and wants bump up against yours. That’s where we tend to get defensive and emotional. So, be aware of yourself. Recognize your feeling. Tune into them. 

2. Step into openness and curiosity. I have my perception and you have yours. There’s probably bits of truth to both pieces. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Don’t label. Stay in the benefit of the doubt place. Find out what was going on for them. 

3. Use a structure. I have a conflict to connection cheat sheet. One person stays in the speaker role, and the other person is listening. The person who is speaking uses “I” statements. When the speaker feels heard, you switch roles. Use this structure to build up muscles of going slower, understanding one another, and connecting. 

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You don’t have to be afraid of conflict if you know how to fight fair. Learn how here…

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Dr. Laura Louis has over 10 years of experience in helping distant couples heal after infidelity by building trust, cultivating intimacy, and enhancing communication. Her therapeutic approach has been influenced through worldwide training in Brazil, Mexico, London, and Haiti.

She has conducted hundreds of seminars transforming relationships all over the world . She is affectionately called the Marriage Architect. Her book, Marital Peace, is a valuable resource intended to support couples through the challenges of marriage.

Highlights below on our radio interview on how to fight fair, 3 strategies to end an argument.

How to Fight Fair: 3 Proven Strategies to End an Argument

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Is conflict always a bad thing in a relationship?

Conflict creates awareness, but it has to be dealt with in an effective way. It can help the relationship.

What happens if one person wants to shut down and not talk about it?

People shut down for different reasons.

Sometimes they feel flooded. Their heart is racing. If so, it’s not a good time to talk. So, do take a break to avoid saying things you don’t mean.

Ask the person that is flooded to take a break. Acknowledge they’re starting to feel flooded. “Would it be okay to take a break?” Come back within about twenty minutes. They will calm down if they’re practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing.

Women are relational, so they may talk things out with their friends and family. A man is less likely to do that, as it’s still considered taboo.

In the book Marital Peace, you discuss unrealistic expectations. How do you think unrealistic expectations cause conflict between couples?

Unrealistic expectations set each person up for disappointment. We often look to our mates to make us happy, and blame them for not making us happy. We have to come to the relationship complete and whole. 

Understand some of the core issues you already bring to the relationship. Let’s say all of your relationships ended because of something that’s a consistent problem, like substance abuse. Have the awareness, and now develop insight about these issues. 

What is the best way to resolve conflict with your partner?

Use “I” statements. “I feel disappointed when I see dishes in the kitchen sink (keep it to one issue).”

In chapter 7, you write about how to communicate to be heard, what are some ways that couples can do this?

Acknowledge what’s happened. When a person admits that they were responsible, they show their willingness to change, and the other person feels validated. Don’t use words like ‘always’ and ‘never’, which triggers defensiveness. 

What are the 3 proven strategies to end an argument?

1. Acknowledge what you’ve said or done to cause the conflict, and agree to change.

2. Be clear about the boundaries in your relationship (not bringing up past, or getting off the subject at hand).

3. Avoid the four horsemen. Stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism, contempt. 

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Learn the best texting advice for singles who are re-entering the dating world at 50, 60, and beyond. Discover when to text, what to text, and more.

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Peggy and Richard Wolman are matchmakers and dating coaches for mature daters. I interviewed them on Last First Date Radio, where they shared their best texting advice for women and men re-entering the dating scene later in life. Texting is a whole new world of communication, and many mature daters have no idea how to navigate this confusing aspect of the dating scene. When to text? What to text? When NOT to text? I will share highlights of our show in a moment, but first, a little more about my guests. 

Richard is an experienced clinician, author, researcher, teacher and faculty member of Harvard Medical School. He has helped countless individuals navigate their relationships through troubled waters. He recently joined Peggy to coach men and women in their search for love as an organic extension of his career. “Many of our clients have endured extraordinarily difficult life experiences. Hope survives and can generate new, loving connections.”

Peggy is a nationally recognized matchmaker, dating and relationship, workshop leader and speaker, with a Masters in Social Work, Peggy’s professional background is rooted in helping people find their own voices. She knows how to motivate and inspire confidence to help single men and women find love. Match.com and YourTango.com regard Peggy as one of the country’s leading relationship experts. Appearances with her husband, Dr. Richard Wolman, include the The New York Times, The Boston Globe, CBS, This Morning and CBS.com. Most recently, Peggy and Dr. John Gray, (Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus) shared a podcast about older adults looking for love. 

How does texting impact mature daters who don’t have the experience or confidence about how to write or interpret texts?

Peggy: Older adults who are re-entering the dating world may have the advantage. For younger daters, texting is their world. They have developed their texting skills. But for older adults, the advantage is that you have to discuss how you view texting and what you use it for. On the date, you can say, “One of the features of re-entering the dating world is texting”. Then, see how your date feels about texting. It’s important to bring up the topic of texting, because you’ll learn about communication styles early on. 

Richard: For older adults, texting is an acquired taste. They have to learn about texting. If they have children, they’ve texted with their kids, and it’s been useful and convenient as a way to communicate. In dating, you don’t text in the same way you’d text your kids. There are different rules and expectations. 

With your kids, you have an intimate relationship. But you don’t have that same relationship with someone you just met. Texting can give the impression of intimacy that’s not yet earned. So you can’t use the same quality of texting with your dates. 

What kind of texts work and don’t work?

Peggy: Texts work for logistics. For example, ‘The train is running late’ or  ‘I couldn’t find the restaurant, and I’m down the street.’ Logistic texting is thoughtful. Also, after a date, if you haven’t talked about it on the date and you want to communicate that you had a lovely evening, try to do it over the phone or email, but you can also text. If he writes to you first, respond in kind. If he writes one sentence, you write one sentence. 

What about emojis? Yay or nay?

Peggy: Women tend to use them more than men. My inclination is that if you’re so inclined, use one, not many. 

Richard: Emojis can also bring emotional context to a text. [You need to bring your emotional self to dating.] The goal of dating is reciprocity. You give to someone, they give to you in a mutual growth-inducting format. 

Peggy: With texting, it has so many variations and the style with which you text becomes your language. If you don’t speak the same texting language, one of you will probably get upset. There’s so much misinterpretation. Don’t take his texting as a sign of who he is and a reason not to see him again. Meet face to face, and get to know him. 

What final words do you have for our audience about texting?

Richard: Texting can be fun and it can be dangerous. Be careful and learn how to use it in an effective way.

Peggy: Even though it may feel awkward, try to find a way to have a conversation about texting. It will likely grow your relationship. 

How do you have a loving, lasting, healthy relationship after 40? Start with being a mensch and communicating effectively with your partner. Here’s how…

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How do you have a loving, compassionate, healthy relationship after 40? My radio guest, Jamie Greene has so many important things to say about this topic. Raised in England, Jamie survived boarding school, endured disastrous relationships, excelled as an 80’s pop drummer, hobnobbed with Royalty, you name it… he’s witnessed it all. His Zen-like approach to coaching combined with his British sense of humor and refreshing straight talk, has built a thriving reputation as a licensed psychotherapist, teacher, mentor and trainer. He was cast as a real-life marriage therapist on the show ‘Marriage 911′ helping save a marriage on the rocks. The couple is still thriving, years later. Jamie was recently featured as Therapist and Life Coach to Brad Womack on “The Bachelor”.

Pretty cool bio, huh? Following are highlights from my interview with Jamie Greene on the no nonsense guide for women and men to truly understand each other.

What made you choose this topic?

I’ve been working in this field for close to 30 years. I’ve sat with lots of complaints from couples, and I picked all the wrong women until my thirties. What it comes down to is understanding ourselves, being more discerning going into relationships, and course correcting as we go.

What are the top communication myths?

The obvious number one is, “We don’t communicate”. I always laugh lovingly when couples say this. In most relationships, you don’t literally avoid each other. There’s often silent treatment and withholding. Silent treatment is so brash. It’s important to discover what changed in the relationship to get to this shutting down process. Some shutting down is for protection, or due to anger or fear. 

At the start of a relationship, we’re inspired and limitless with desire, and we would do anything for our partner. When the relationship breaks down, we’re resentful, and we don’t want to do anything for our partner. The biggest challenge is stagnation in a relationship. 

How do you keep romance alive?

It’s a lot of work. I always ask couples, “Do you have any examples of good healthy relationship you want to emulate? “It’s amazing how few do. People don’t know what they’re trying to honor. So, I model it for them, like, how to confront a difficult partner. 

A couple thrives when a man can anticipate what a woman needs instead of feeling a need to provide solutions to her problems.

What are the four pillars of a man and the four layers of a woman?

The four pillars of a man:

1. A man who knows who he is. He’s self-aware. He has wisdom from past failings. He knows he has blind spots and doesn’t use them as excuses.

2. He sees you as a woman, and he allows you to be who you are and embraces you. 

3. He’s one or two steps ahead of you. He anticipates your needs. He understands how to cherish a woman.

4. He’s a mensch. He’s a good soul, a good man with a good heart. He’s flexible, personable, and he is not uptight. He’s adaptable. He’s polite and appreciative. He tips well. He has compassion. 

The four layers of a woman

1. She knows who she is. She’s doing the work on herself. Recognizes that she needs to grow and stretch. She’s humble. Learns from mistakes.

2. She knows what she wants. She’s clear about what she wants in a relationship.

3. She wants to grow. If you’re a mature woman, you don’t want to spend your time in gossip. You want to keep on growing, and you want to gently push and inspire a man to grow as well.

4. She has her man’s back. He feels that she believes in him and sees his potential, and she can bring out the amazing leader that he is. 

There’s no competition in the relationship. It would kill the intimacy.

What’s one thing you want our audience to remember?

Create good symmetry between the masculine and feminine in your relationship. Men need to be able to integrate into the feminine qualities of kindness and nurturing, and women need to lead with their femininity. 

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What are the seven insecurities about men you discovered in your research?

1. Negative thoughts: Thoughts that develop in your childhood that are incorrect ways to respond. You need to address the issues and deal with them.
2. Lack of open-mindedness: Stems from negative thinking. You’re not willing to listen or embrace your partner’s way of thinking. You’re acting on pride, and it’s a form of control.
3. Manhood: Men learn behaviors and they become values/beliefs, and cause them to respond in a specific way in a relationship. They will adapt, run, or behave in the way they’re used to behaving.
4. Pride: I’m going to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Men feel they are supposed to behave a certain way because of their mental, values, beliefs, culture. 
5. Low self-esteem: Any insecurity that rears its ugly head. Often based on how you were raised. You don’t value yourself. 
6. Making less than your partner: There’s a lot of role-shifting today where men are home and women are out making the money. This can create an identity crisis. 
7. Performance issues: Most of these occur with men over 50. That can happen with men and women as hormones change. It can affect manhood as well. 

What causes those insecurities?

Our environment influences so much. You learn thoughts and interpret them according to your environment: how your mother and father treated you, your culture, whether you had two loving parents, etc.

Around age 12, your beliefs and values are interpreted and you respond the way you’ve learned according to your background.

What happened to your husband that influenced his relationships?

He grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, very poor, his father wasn’t around, and his mother was abusive—physically and mentally. He was still a happy child.

As a teen, his mom tried to control his behavior. She used mental and physical abuse, and he internalized that into anger. He began to have all kinds of problems in relationships. He had fought for respect to defend himself. His relationships began to fail, and he received feedback from people. He didn’t believe it at first. And after a few failed, he realized there must be truth in what people were saying.

After his awareness, he realized he had to do something. He began to change. It began with his thinking. He began to think about the course of his life, and built healthier relationships. It took time, and it was well into his late thirties and forties that he began to see the results of his changes.

Our relationship is wonderful now. We have learned to communicate and listen and be respectful and open-minded.

What strategies would you suggest to help men overcome these insecurities?

Recognize that you have problems. Build trust so you can communicate openly, especially your insecurities and your feelings. Brainstorm together about solutions and strategy planning to resolve the issues.

In your book, you mention the importance of healthy communication. Can you share one of your favorite communication tools?

Deescalation. Calm discussions. Best not to talk when heated. Don’t accuse or blame. Don’t point fingers or bring up the past. 

What’s your most important idea to impart to our audience about having a successful relationship?

Communicate with your partner about anything, even your insecurities. Discuss it calmly, effectively, and openly.

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Turning Conflict Into Connection Through Conscious Love

What does Conscious Love Mean to You?

Conscious love is really about living and loving from a place of choice. It’s about self-awareness, empowered actions that come from a place dedicated to pure love.

We all grow up in our environments and learn from our experiences. We end in unconscious relationships. I hep people to look at the patterns that they keep creating from an unconscious place. We meet our needs in ineffective ways. We cause damage to ourselves and others.

Is it really possible to turn conflict into connection?

Conflicts are opportunities to learn and grow within ourselves and within the relationship.

When we can hold that position, we’re able to stay more open to unconditional love.

1. You have to have your own self-awareness. When there is conflict it’s that my needs and wants bump up against yours. That’s where we tend to get defensive and emotional. So, be aware of yourself. Recognize your feeling. Tune into them. 

2. Step into openness and curiosity. I have my perception and you have yours. There’s probably bits of truth to both pieces. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Don’t label. Stay in the benefit of the doubt place. Find out what was going on for them. 

3. Use a structure. I have a conflict to connection cheat sheet. One person stays in the speaker role, and the other person is listening. The person who is speaking uses “I” statements. When the speaker feels heard, you switch roles. Use this structure to build up muscles of going slower, understanding one another, and connecting. 

Listen to the entire episode here.

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You don’t have to be afraid of conflict if you know how to fight fair. Learn how here…

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Dr. Laura Louis has over 10 years of experience in helping distant couples heal after infidelity by building trust, cultivating intimacy, and enhancing communication. Her therapeutic approach has been influenced through worldwide training in Brazil, Mexico, London, and Haiti.

She has conducted hundreds of seminars transforming relationships all over the world . She is affectionately called the Marriage Architect. Her book, Marital Peace, is a valuable resource intended to support couples through the challenges of marriage.

Highlights below on our radio interview on how to fight fair, 3 strategies to end an argument.

How to Fight Fair: 3 Proven Strategies to End an Argument

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Is conflict always a bad thing in a relationship?

Conflict creates awareness, but it has to be dealt with in an effective way. It can help the relationship.

What happens if one person wants to shut down and not talk about it?

People shut down for different reasons.

Sometimes they feel flooded. Their heart is racing. If so, it’s not a good time to talk. So, do take a break to avoid saying things you don’t mean.

Ask the person that is flooded to take a break. Acknowledge they’re starting to feel flooded. “Would it be okay to take a break?” Come back within about twenty minutes. They will calm down if they’re practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing.

Women are relational, so they may talk things out with their friends and family. A man is less likely to do that, as it’s still considered taboo.

In the book Marital Peace, you discuss unrealistic expectations. How do you think unrealistic expectations cause conflict between couples?

Unrealistic expectations set each person up for disappointment. We often look to our mates to make us happy, and blame them for not making us happy. We have to come to the relationship complete and whole. 

Understand some of the core issues you already bring to the relationship. Let’s say all of your relationships ended because of something that’s a consistent problem, like substance abuse. Have the awareness, and now develop insight about these issues. 

What is the best way to resolve conflict with your partner?

Use “I” statements. “I feel disappointed when I see dishes in the kitchen sink (keep it to one issue).”

In chapter 7, you write about how to communicate to be heard, what are some ways that couples can do this?

Acknowledge what’s happened. When a person admits that they were responsible, they show their willingness to change, and the other person feels validated. Don’t use words like ‘always’ and ‘never’, which triggers defensiveness. 

What are the 3 proven strategies to end an argument?

1. Acknowledge what you’ve said or done to cause the conflict, and agree to change.

2. Be clear about the boundaries in your relationship (not bringing up past, or getting off the subject at hand).

3. Avoid the four horsemen. Stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism, contempt. 

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